Happiness/Have a Happy Relationship

Type classification: this is an essay resource.

Let's admit it. Relationships are not easy. Oh no, they are very difficult. Love and hate, what is it? So close to each other. But certainly also nothing is wrong. For everything in this universe has a meaning. We only cannot recognize it. Yes, living partnership is not so simple. If in the partnership the large and small crises pile up, the pressures in everyday life dominate, the stress at work determines us, if the talks only circle around problems, if the tingling dies by the daily routine, when sex becomes boring: then the question arises whether this is all in life? (a woman in the internet)

Wikipedia: Interpersonal love refers to love between human beings. It is a more potent sentiment than a simple liking for another. Interpersonal love is most closely associated with interpersonal relationships. Such love might exist between family members, friends, and couples. There are also a number of psychological disorders related to love, such as erotomania. Throughout history, philosophy and religion have done the most speculation on the phenomenon of love. In the last century, the science of psychology has written a great deal on the subject. (...)

The secret of a happy relationship

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is a book by John Gottman (see terminology). Gottman has, for 35 years, scientifically investigated the differences between good and bad relationships. The central finding of Gottman is that one needs to reinforce the positive aspects in a relationship if one wants to have a good relationship. The focus of the relationship must be working on the positive. It is not enough to communicate well and make good compromises. Gottman found that happily married couples behave like good friends, and they handle their conflicts in gentle, positive ways; and happily married couples are able to repair negative interactions during an argument, and they are able to process negative emotions fully.^[1]

Many psychologists have difficulties with their relationships. It is not the psychologists who have good relations, but spiritual people. This is the result of modern happiness research. We must therefore strengthen the focus on spirituality in our relationships if we want to achieve happy relationships. We should also learn to communicate well and to make compromises. But most important is that we are centered in positive thinking (in the five qualities, wisdom, peace, love, strength and happiness).

The first secret of a happy relationship is to Gottman, to open up to one's partner. One has to really want a good relationship. One must give the relationship and one's partner a sufficient space in one's life.

The second secret is to think positively about one's partner. Every person, is out of himself, valuable. Who wants to have a happy relationship, should treat the partner with respect. Everyone has faults. One must learn to accept the mistakes of one's partner as part of the overall personality and focus on the positives aspects.

Gottman says about sex, both partners should be sensitive, find the right path for them. Typically, for happy couples is that they do not take differences in their needs personally. They view sex primarily as a way of near-contact. They do not define themselves by it. They hold sex not for the most important thing in their life. They have another point from where they define their life.

As an example of different sexual needs Gottman calls Mike and Lynne. Mike wanted to have sex several times a week. Lynne wanted sex once a week or even less. Mike was frustrated and felt rejected. But the more he sat Lynne under pressure, the lower was her interest in sex. Gottman suggested that the two had to get rid of their inner tension during sex. Internal tension is anti-pleasure. It blocks the desire for sex. In the long term it causes less and less interest in sex. Lynne overcame her inner tension by becoming the boss about sexuality. She could now direct the evenings. She could decide when they made sex and what they do. Lynne began to feel safe. She could live her needs and got slowly more and more pleasure in having sex. Over time, her interest in sex was a little bigger. The couple had sex more often than before. Mostly they had sex about once a week.

Another secret to a happy relationship is the ability of both partners, to see not solvable problems as a normal part of any relationship. If we are anchored in the way of inner happiness, we can flow positively with the insoluble problems of our relationships. The pain points in a relationship, giving us the opportunity to grow in our inner happiness. Suffering and difficulties allow the partners to grow in the qualities of compassion and equanimity. This creates enlightenment. Suffering and difficulties in a relationship are a path to enlightenment, if we combine it with sufficient spiritual exercises (meditation, mind work). Then we rise above all the problems into a state of permanent deep bliss, even if the problems persist.

Twenty-two ideas

In every relationship both partners should be very sensitive to their special way to find a happy relationship. And consistently pursue it the long term. Happiness research (Arnold Lazarus, John Gottman) has investigated how relationships work in the long term. The most important rules are:

1. A good relationship takes work. It is a false belief that one can let go completely at home. It takes some effort to make a relationship succeed.

2. Live for yourself and your needs so that you feel good in yourself. Do not work too much.

3. Avoid criticism and negativity. Make complaints factual, sensitive, at the right moment, and focused on specific behaviors rather than general character flaws. John Gottman's research concludes, "Couples who are happy in their relationship have a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative during conflict conversations and a 20:1 positive to negative ratio when just hanging out. Relationships have to be a very rich climate of positivity to feel good: lots of kindness, attention, interest in one another, affection, humor, good sex and so on."

4. Avoid cutting off your partner too often when they express their wishes. Say yes as often as possible.

5. Solve conflicts constructively. Clarify the precise factual situation. Think about different solutions. Find the good common ground.

6. Regularly spend time doing activities that give you and your partner pleasure. For example, sex, dining, travel, excursions and a common hobby.

7. Gladden your partner regularly with a little attention. For example, flowers, small gifts, hugs and affection. Tell him that you love him. Take him in your arms. Rejoice with positive words and gestures.

8. Avoid things that your partner does not like. Work on your own negative characteristics.

9. Fortify yourself adequately against negative behavior from your partner (for example tantrums, violations of positive life principles). Do not reward negative behavior. Stay in an neutral frame of mind or say "No".

10. Be a good team. A good relationship is based on teamwork. A good team has a common goal. It knows its way to success.

11. Be gentle with each other. Stay out of the way, if you are aggressive. Be calm and peaceful before you communicate with your partner. Be more gentle than aggressive. Love grows on the basis of non-violence, kindness, wisdom and gentleness.

12. Compliment each other. Men love admiration. Women love gestures of affection.

13. Be honest with each other. Live in truth. Truth is the basis of every good relationship. This is the most important factor of Love. Always believe on your Love and always be Honest

14. Anchor your relationship with a positive principle. Find a suitable name for this higher principle. Call it happiness, love, truth, spirituality, enlightenment or living in God. Connect yourselves regularly in all beautiful and in all difficult situations with your higher principle. Live in the center of your relationship from your higher principle.

15. Forgive one another your faults. Love means being able to forgive. Love means being able to apologize.

16. Have patience. Love means having patience.

17. Do not demand too much from your partner or from life. "Anyone who cannot limit his wishes becomes permanently unhappy. Who does not know his point of satisfaction will never be satisfied" (Epicurus).

18. Take your partner as he is. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses. No man is perfect. Love means to love your partner with his weaknesses. Accept the weaknesses in yourself, then you can accept the weaknesses in your fellow man.

19. The main happiness of a person comes from himself. Important for a lasting happiness are daily spiritual exercises such as yoga, walking, reading, reflection (introspection), positive thinking (cognitive work) and meditation.

20. They who wish the happiness of all beings grow in their own happiness. This is the highest spiritual wisdom.

21. Shift from complaint to request. Complaints have been found to be less effective than requests in getting your needs met, according to Terrence Real's The New Rules of Marriage. Instead of focusing on what your partner has done wrong, train yourself to focus on what he or she could do now or later that would be right.

22. Lead off discussions with soft startups. Briefly state your complaint, rather than going on about what's bothering you to the point that your listener stops paying attention; avoid blaming; start with something positive, if possible (e.g. "I loved it last week when you surprised me and had dinner ready when I got home from work. I’d like more of that"); use I statements (e.g. "I love it when you turn off the television and talk with me"); describe what you see happening rather than judging; talk clearly about what you need rather than expecting your partner to read your mind; be polite; express appreciation; take care of issues as they come up rather than storing them up for a bigger argument; and let your spouse know what you're feeling.

Evelyn and Nils

Nils met Evelyn in a dance club in 1971. Evelyn had blond hair and large breasts. Nils paid more attention to the outer appearance than the inner quality of women back then. Evelyn’s looks were very much to his liking.

Evelyn was searching for happiness in the context of a relationship. She was searching for the man of her dreams. For a time, she thought Nils could be just that man. Nils also tried to fulfill this expectation, but became overwhelmed after a time when attempting to live up to Evelyn’s idea of a perfect relationship. It’s hard to believe, but Nils wasn’t perfect. He was particularly inattentive when it comes to external things, and that annoyed Evelyn after a time. Evelyn studied to become a foreign language correspondent. She had a difficult family life growing up as her parents had constantly quarreled with one another. She wanted love, affection, and a feeling of security. She hoped to find these things with Nils that she had lacked in her family and herself.

Evelyn visited Nils often. They went dancing together, talked a lot, and were affectionate and physical with one another. After a half a year, they had sex for the first time, then again and again and more and more often. They wrote love letters to one another. A particularly lovely sentence from Evelyn read, “life is like a strong current. Everyone tries to hold oneself above water. Many do this alone, and others have someone they can hold onto. That is a wonderful gift.”

In their first year together, Evelyn and Nils were very much in love. That is normal. In the second year, they weren’t quite so smitten. That is also normal. In the third year, they began to fight a lot. That is unfortunately also quite normal in today’s world. Evelyn and Nils noticed that their relationship had reached a critical phase. They recognized that they had come to a turning point and that something needed to be done.

That was no easy task. Many couples first wake up to the reality of their situation when they first fully recognize the negativity that has rised between them. Then it is often too late to do anything about it. Those who can change their relationship dynamic in time, can often hold onto a long term happy relationship. But what exactly is the way to attain this long term happy relationship?

Evelyn and Nils tried to communicate better. They bought books about positive relationships and worked through these books together, but it didn’t help much. The center of their difficulties lay with the fact that Evelyn expected Nils to live up to the demands she placed on him to be the man of her dreams. She expected him to make her happy on a deep level. Evelyn did not search for this happiness within herself. Those who cannot find happiness within themselves, need a partner to fill this void. Those who cannot be independently happy need extra happiness from the partner and often therefore overwhelm their partner with such a heavy burden.

Evelyn and Nils didn’t know the way to achieve a happy relationship. A relationship often tends to be a sort of dependency, where those involved expect something from the other. They want love, sex, affection, security. When the relationship depends on wanting, the feeling of love becomes cramped and a constant power struggle ensues. The person who can fight the best gets the most. Love doesn’t stand a chance in such a situation.

In the beginning of a relationship, the constant need for love is normal. When the relationship becomes long term, it must be based on a more spiritual foundation. The basis of the relationbship needs positive characteristics such as wisdom, love, peace, and thoughtfulness. We need to anchor ourselves in a goal of inner happiness and not expect the partner to provide happiness. Often, we depend on outer happiness instead of looking for it within. We must find this within in order to provide positive thinking and a love based on giving.

When we can live our relationship destinies out in such a way, we can be happy in the long term. We can grow in happiness and in love. A sort of love addiction burns out after a time. A love based on giving is true love and can grow without bounds. A pure heart chakra can open the individual up to the highest plain of enlightenment, until we are only love itself, and as such live love and radiate love into the world.

The way of superficial happiness is based on the tendency to expect to be happy through another person. This is the way of “addiction”. This means it is only destined to end in failure. Those who expect happiness from others will only be disappointed. At some point in time, the “honeymoon” phase is over and both people will revert to their usual tendencies. Most people blame the partner for their lack of happiness. They begin to fight or to draw back in frustration. We need to overcome this faulty philosophy of superficial happiness. Then we can live in long term happy relationships.

Evelyn got her ideas about the perfect relationship from Hollywood. Nils based his ideas on the psycho-analytic theories of Sigmund Freud. Both of these notions were incorrect and lead to unhappiness. Most actors , who live in the world of film, have unhappy relationships and split up constantly. The same goes for psychologists. The best relationships are to be had by those who care for the relationships with spirituality.

Instead of exercising positive thinking, Evelyn concentrated on Nils’ personality flaws. A spiritual person busies him or herself only with his or her own flaws and concentrates on the positive characteristics of others. The Yoga greeting “namaste” means: “the light in me recognizes and bows to the light in you”. Those who see positivity in others thereby awaken their own happiness. Those who fixate on negativity strengthen the negativity in themselves.

Evelyn saw the negative traits of Nils and this often enraged her. In the third year of their relationship, they had intense fights. Nils tried to understand what was going on. The sweet Evelyn had turned into a not so sweet individual. At some point, Evelyn began to see other men and Nils search for another woman. The happy fairytale came to a sad end.

Forgiveness

Woman: What others have done to me, I will not forgive. It is enough that I forgive myself. This must suffice. Forgiveness is only something for Holy.

Nils: It is not enough. You harden inside. You block your energy of happiness. You put this in all your future relationships. It is very important to obtain forgiveness. Even though it is sometimes very difficult. Forgiveness is something for Holy and Unholy, to become healthy inside. Jesus taught to love his enemies. The first step is to come to forgiveness. Without forgiveness, there will always be wars in the world. If you want peace, the world should learn to forgive.

Woman: Forgiving a person means to refer him to a subordinate level. That makes me bigger than him. Therefore, I do not forgive.

Nils: Who forgives, lets go of his ego. He rises with his fellows into the level of love, peace and light.

Heaven and hell

In the hell, people are living their relationships out of the selfishness. They enter into relationships in order to get something from your partner. They want security, contact, enjoyment and appreciation. Over time their relationship degenerates more and more into power struggles. Both try to get as much as possible and thereby they make each other more and more unhappy.

In heavenly relationships, people live love and giving. They are in themselves happy. In heavenly relationships people build a happy team. A happy team is working for the happiness of the world and for the enlightenment of both partners. It has a social and a spiritual task. Both partners help each other materially, emotionally and spiritually. They support each other on the path of inner happiness. In their relationship, the center is the inner happiness (spirituality) and not the outer happiness. They build their relationship on the values of truth, loyalty, love and peace.

In Buddhism, there is the image of hell. The people sit at the tables facing each other. They cannot eat anything because the spoons are longer than their arms. They can not take the spoon to the mouth. In the Buddhist heaven, people have also long spoons. But they feed themselves each other, and all are happy.

In heaven, people live the principle of love. In hell, people do not come up with the idea that there is a way of giving. In hell, people look for happiness in the wrong place. They do not even see the dishes.

The most important dish in the cosmos is the inner happiness. Who does neither know the path of inner happiness nor the principle of giving, will at long term never get a happy relationship. He will never really be satisfied with himself and the world. He will never come to deep inner peace and deep inner happiness.

In a spiritual relationship, we take care first well for ourselves. We make sure that our inner happiness grows in the long term. We pay attention to enough rest, enough time for ourselves and an adequate spiritual practice (yoga, reading, walking, meditation). We live the small giving. We give only as much as we have energy left. If we then one day are a Buddha (a self-realized soul) and have much happiness in us, then we can primarily give.

Children of the light

Two angels walk into the light of God.

We are beings of the light. We are children of the light. The cosmos is our great mother and our great father. We play games of happiness in God and thus grows the eternal happiness of all beings. The problem with most of our fellow creatures is that they can not distinguish between good and bad games. Bad games often make happy the short term and unhappy the long term. Bad games are all games who focus of worldly desires.

If we anchor ourselves in external things, we always long for more. We become tensed inside, our inner happiness decreases and it takes everyone down. We are allowed to live the external things. We can have relationships. We can play relationship games. We are permitted to make us the outside world beautiful. But we must bring the spirituality at the center of our lives. We need to play our life games out of the focus of spirituality. We have to play on the basis of wisdom, love and peace. Only those games benefits us.

This is difficult to understand. There are many little devils in the world playing negative games. Little devils are always poor devils. They lack wisdom and they end up harming themselves primarily. We need many angels in the world who can teach the little devils to play in the right way. If the angels are centered in wisdom, in their spiritual practices and in all-embracing love, then they win and that will be good games for everyone.