Foregoing Revenge

—Deescalating conflict

Introduction

The passion for revenge is strong and sometimes almost overwhelming. But our intuitive logic about revenge is often twisted, conflicted, parochial, and dangerous. Revenge is a primitive, destructive, and violent response to anger, injury, or humiliation. It is a misguided attempt to transform shame into pride. Many governments, religions, traditions, and cultures provide guidance on when revenge may and may not be sought. Unfortunately this guidance is often unsatisfactory because it excludes groups of people, often mistreats women, generally leads to escalation, is unevenly applied, and typically leads to prolonged and escalated violence. Choose another path.

Objectives

The objectives of this course are to help you to:

Recognize the passions of revenge when they arise in you or others.
Interpret the causes of these passions.
Deescalate the conflict.
Take constructive action to resolve the conflict.

This course is part of the Emotional Competency curriculum. This material has been adapted from the EmotionalCompetency.com page on revenge, with permission of the author.

If you wish to contact the instructor, please click here to send me an email or leave a comment or question on the discussion page.

Characterizing Revenge

The desire to get even,
Retaliation for injury, loss, or humiliation,
An attempt to transform shame into pride.
Seeking symmetrical injury, harm, or loss

Roots: from revengier : re- + vengier, from Latin vindicÄre, to avenge again, vindicate.

Revenge is directed passionately at a specific target with the intent of doing them harm because you believe they have intentionally done you harm. It is the dark side of reciprocity.

Synonyms

Close synonyms for revenge include:

Defending honor, getting even, pay back, reprisal, retribution, retaliation, revanche, vengeance, vendetta, vindication, and avenging a wrong are all synonyms for revenge Although competition has its roots in vengeance, it can be satisfied constructively through organized sports and other formalized contests.

Related terms

Revenge is the hurtful side of reciprocity, and many terms are related to the concept.

Justice is a state-sponsored formal approach to revenge under the law. It establishes the sovereign state as the only legitimate agent of violence. It is not always satisfactory because it is impersonal, imperfect, and substantially delayed. Many people believe that OJ Simpson literally got away with murder, while innocent people are put to death by the state.
Deterrence is a dispassionate response calculated to change the other's behavior in an on-going relationship or negotiation by imposing a negative consequence (punishment) for their decision. The judge sentences the criminal as a deterrent, not to seek revenge. It is nothing more than equivalent retaliation in a calculated game of Tit-for-Tat. Deterrence is cerebral and “just business”; revenge is visceral and personal.
Reprisal is a retaliation for an injury with the intent of inflicting at least as much injury in return.
Retribution: a measured or restrained reprisal; a proportional response intended to communicate a message: “this is how wrong your actions were”.
Reparations are payments intended to compensate a victim for a loss. While these may be largely effective in repairing the damages resulting from loss or theft of material goods, it is impossible to restore a lost life, a physical injury, loss of health, destruction of unique objects or those with sentimental value, or a missed opportunity such as a successful career or time spent with a loved one. It is also difficult to restore lost pride. The goal of reparations is to keep promises and restore a damaged community.
Remorse is feeling genuinely bad about the hurt I have caused and I take responsibility for the hurtful choices I made.
Atonement is remorse followed by reparations. It is similar to apology.
Retaliation is the idea of fair payback, often expressed as “an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth” and is captured in traditions such as the Talionic Code. The concept is to cause as much pain to the aggressor as he has caused you to suffer. Unfortunately, the magnitude gap—the fact that pain felt is more intense than pain inflicted—often causes the violence of the retaliation to exceed that of the original offense. Unending escalation, destruction, and violence often results. Also, because many losses cannot be restored or undone, the retaliation does not provide satisfying reparations to the victim.
Vengeance is pursuing harm to your offender as retaliation for the wrong you perceive they caused. It is a passionate desire for revenge.
Avenging a wrong is pursing revenge to punish those who you hold responsible for a loss to yourself, or someone else you respect.
A Vendetta is an on-going private feud where the members of the family of a murdered person seek to avenge the murder by killing the slayer or one of the slayer's relatives.
Money accepted as reparations for physical injury or death may be called “blood money.” This reflects the belief of some that reparations for physical injury or death are never sufficient unless they include violence to the offender.
Reconciliation is the process of letting go of revenge. It usually requires forgiveness.

The Paradox of Revenge

Revenge originates from the primal need for self-defense. In today's world, it is often abused as a destructive and futile response to anger or humiliation. Exhaust all alternatives before considering revenge and use revenge only if it is your only effective self-defense. Why do you believe it is your only alternative? Why do you believe it will be effective? Describe why you believe revenge addresses the cause and will have the effect you want.

Most strategies for revenge fail because they attempt to change the past. Unfortunately once the damage is done and the injury, insult, humiliation, or other loss occurs, the clock cannot be turned back and the loss is permanent. In addition, the value of the loss to the offended is seen as much greater than any benefit gained by the offender. As a result, the offense represents an unrecoverable loss to society as a whole. Successful strategies for revenge look far into the future and recognize that the cycle of vengeance and retaliation can only spiral toward tragedy and are best stopped before they are started.

Revenge is a doomed attempt to eliminate shame and increase stature by asserting dominance. It fails because asserting dominance does not increase stature, instead it usually increases violence. Also, remorse cannot be coerced, it has to be discovered.

Evidence indicates that forgiveness increases self-esteem and decreases anxiety.

Sunk Costs

Economics and business decision-making recognize sunk costs as the costs that have already been incurred and which can never be recovered to any significant degree. Economic theory proposes that a rational actor does not let sunk costs influence a decision because past costs cannot be recovered in any case. This is also called the bygones principle; let bygones be bygones. This recognizes that you cannot change the past. The fallacy of sunk costs is to consider sunk costs when making a decision. Sound business decisions are based on a forward-looking view, ignoring sunk costs.

Revenge is an attempt to recover sunk costs; it is an example of the sunk cost fallacy. Forgiveness is a decision to move forward regardless of sunk costs. Sound emotional decisions, like sound business decisions, are based on a forward-looking view.

Why Seek Revenge?

Why do people seek revenge? What are people looking for? What do they hope to accomplish? Why is the passion so strong? People seek revenge when:

They feel they have been attacked and suffered some unjust loss or injury. As a result they are feeling anger, hate, jealousy, envy, or shame.
They are humiliated, especially if they are made to feel powerless, foolish, ridiculous, stupid, or ashamed. People seek revenge against the more powerful while they pity the less powerful.
They feel they have to “defend the honor” of themselves, their family, ancestors, or some other group they identify with.

The goal of revenge is to erase shame and humiliation and restore pride.

What people generally want from revenge is to:

Restore their dignity, and increase their pride or stature.
Restore the “honor” of the offended group by avenging the shame.
Remember a loved one or ancestor. The slogan “September 11, 2001, we will never forget” is seen frequently and is used to sustain the war on terrorism. War memorials serve a similar purpose. In contrast, consider how the Amish people of Nickels Mines Pennsylvania reacted after five of their children were senselessly murdered. They razed the schoolhouse where the tragedy occurred to remove the most prominent symbol of the tragedy and leave a quiet pasture in its place. Their goal is to forgive and move on.
Teach a lesson to the aggressor,
Punish people who cheat and break rules; ensure they learn their lesson.
Act as a deterrent to predatory behavior,
Obtain acknowledgement from the aggressor that they were wrong and they feel remorse,
Obtain a sincere apology and know the aggressor is remorseful,
Demonstrate their power and influence so they no longer feel powerless and inconsequential,
Obtain reparations; get paid back for their losses, and settle the score,
Make the aggressor suffer and feel their pain,
Transform themselves from prey to predator, from powerless to powerful, and from shamed to proud,
Tell their side of the story; set the record straight from their point of view.

Grievances

All of us have suffered losses. We have all been unlucky, ignored, picked on, overlooked, lied to, betrayed, injured, cheated, trespassed upon, and stolen from. We may have lost our jobs, lost our houses, suffered from disease, lost substantial sums of money, divorced, or been permanently injured. Many of us have been victims of greater injuries such as rape, assault, abuse, death of a spouse or close family member, or violent crime. Our suffering is real, and we are not alone.

Many of these losses were unfair and unjust. We often believe we know who is to blame for much of our loss and suffering. We have been injured and we believe it is our right that things be set right. Persecution, cruelty, attacks, trespass, suffering, hardships, and injury create a great burden for us to bear. It seems only fair that we are compensated for these losses. Our grievances are legitimate. We deserve to be compensated.

We may allow ourselves to submit to urges originating from this life-long accumulation of such grievances. This may result in anger displays, road rage, or other destructive, violent, dramatic and irresponsible behavior. People may feel less responsible for their actions when they can blame someone for their grievances. People whose temperament is dominated by pain are easily provoked to anger or hate. They may be described as “having a chip on their shoulder.” Perhaps they believe they are their suffering.

However, many of our losses are permanent, or not something that others can or will repair. We may be intensely and carefully counting up debts that can never be repaid. Often, we simply have to decide to absorb, accept, overlook, and move beyond our loss, without compensation or revenge. Often the best decision is to simply let this pain go, get over it, and move on with our life. Whether or not we are entitled to revenge, it is probably not a constructive path to follow. Often it is best to forgive and forget.

Victim Status

Since only victims seem entitled to revenge, it is essential to claim the mantel of victim before seeking revenge. However, in most protracted conflicts it is difficult to identify the perpetrator and the victim because hostilities escalate gradually over time. Each side feels they have the most valid claim to being the victim. It is rarely clear “who started this”. It often depends on how long ago the salient narrative begins. Often rivalry for most rightful victim status has to be resolved before reconciliation can begin. The victim needs to have their loss validated and their power restored. The perpetrator needs to have their moral status restored. Until deciding who is who, these different needs cannot be effectively met.

The Tragedy of Revenge

In the novel Moby-Dick, captain Ahab is obsessed with seeking revenge on the white whale, Moby Dick. His long struggle results in the death and destruction of the entire crew except for Ishmael the storyteller. Unfortunately, the destruction described in this fictional account is often too accurate an account of revenge in the real world.

Maytal Khatib was a Druze teenager who left her house unescorted one day.^[1] When she returned that night she failed to prove to her brother she was still a virgin. Although there was no evidence at all she had sex, her brother strangled her to death to protect the honor of his family, just in case she had lost her virginity that day.

The atrocities of Nazi Germany in World War II are largely attributed to revenge for Germany's humiliation after World War I.

The Paths of Vengeance

Understanding what can trigger our urge to seek revenge, and how we can resolve our concerns constructively helps us to cope with our feelings. The following figure illustrates choices we have and paths we can take to either prolong or resolve the pain and violence. Use this like you would any other map: 1) decide where you are now, 2) decide where you want to go, 3) choose the best path to get there, and 4) go down the chosen path.

You can choose to forego revenge.

This diagram is an example of a type of chart known by systems analysts as a state transition diagram. Each colored elliptical bubble represents a state of being that represents the way you are now. The labels on the arrows represent actions or events and the arrows show paths into or out of each state. You are at one place on this chart for one particular relationship or incident at any particular time. Other people are likely to be in other places on the chart. This is similar to an ordinary road map where you plot where you are now, while other people are at other places on the same map. Begin the analysis at the green “OK” bubble, or wherever else you believe you are now.

OK: This is the beginning or neutral state. It corresponds to your being content and not contemplating revenge. The green color represents safety, tranquility, equanimity, and growth potential.

Insult: We were OK until something happened to provoke our hurt, shame, or humiliation. Although the cause could be any number of things, perhaps we were humiliated, we will use the term “insult” to describe any of these provocations. After reflection and reappraisal, the offender who made the original insult may decide it was unjustified and could later feel shame or guilt for his attack.

Humiliation: Your ego is bruised, your pride is hurt, and now you are mad as hell! You have just been humiliated, and you don't like feeling foolish. The orange color represents the danger and potential violence that often results from humiliation.

Forgiven: Even though you have not been offered an apology, you decide to let go of the hurt. You forgive and gain a serene inner peace and satisfaction for yourself.

Apology Accepted: The offender offers an effective apology. You feel vindicated because he has acknowledged his responsibility in causing your harm.

Legal Recourse: Work within the laws of your local, regional, national, and international governments and the by-laws of your organization to address your grievances.

Constructive Revenge: Decide to better yourself to clearly demonstrate your stature is superior to your adversary's.

Revenge: I attack and injure you in an attempt to transform my shame into pride.

Avenged: I feel pride, at least momentarily, because I have demonstrated my courage and wit by taking bold action against you. The yellow color represents the danger from the retaliation that is likely to follow.

Retaliation: Your adversary strikes back in response to your revenge. This retaliation often escalates the hostilities and violence because of the magnitude gap—inflicting harm is more painful to the victim than it is satisfying to the aggressor.

Constructive Action

While many cultures provide guidance for seeking revenge, most of it is conflicted, incomplete, and destructive. For example, the advice to seek “an eye for an eye” is heard as often as the advice to “turn the other cheek”. A complete, coherent, and constructive system for seeking revenge would have these characteristics:

It would serve to reduce violence globally; in the short term, in the long term, within the group and outside of the group,
It would lead to a constructive solution of the problems faced by the victims and the aggressors.
It would increase the stature of everyone involved and reduce their humiliation, anger, and hate.
It would be finite; the revenge seeking, the pain, the hurt, and the retaliations would end quickly, permanently, and in a way that is satisfactory to all. It would lead to a de-escalation of hostilities in the short term and the long term.
It balances the needs of all parties, and grants autonomy to women on a par with men.
It works both locally and globally to create satisfactory solutions within the family, village, nation, and around the globe.
It recognizes the past cannot be changed and we have only the present and the future.

The best approach I am aware of is to continue a constructive dialogue with the aggressor; work to understand each person's point-of-view, humanity, dignity, and needs. Increase empathy; both of the aggressor for the victim and of the victim for the aggressor. Continue the dialogue until either an apology or forgiveness results. Continue the dialogue until the karma runs over the dogma. The South African Truth and Reconciliation Commission assisted with this process to speed reconciliation after the horrors of apartheid.

Another helpful approach is to seek “constructive revenge”. Here you take action to better yourself and clearly demonstrate that your stature exceeds that of your adversary. Your pride increases because of an authentic increase in your stature and your adversary may feel shame by comparison. This is a direct and constructive approach to transforming shame into pride.

Work within the laws of your local, regional, national, and international government and the by-laws of your organization to address your grievances.

Myths and Misconceptions

Many cultures promote the idea of collective punishment as a form of revenge. The concept is that it is fair, and perhaps expected, that anyone associated with the aggressor should be punished for the original insult, injury, or loss. According to this principle it is OK to punish any man because one individual man raped one individual woman. This is clearly an over generalization based on a non-representative sample. It is an invalid excuse for violence against many innocent people. It is destructive and unjustifiable.

Many religions promote the idea of Divine Vengeance. The concept is that only a god or supreme being is competent to judge a person's behavior and deliver punishment to avenge their bad behavior. In the beliefs of the Christian traditions every person faces their “judgment day” upon their deaths and they either live in the paradise of heaven or suffer in the fires of hell for all of eternity. Unfortunately, this does not seem to serve as an effective deterrent, and evidence for any of this is speculative at best.

Quotations

The paradox of revenge has inspired many thoughtful quotations. Here are some favorites:

“Resentment is like taking poison and hoping the other person dies.” ~ St. Augustine
“There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness.” ~ Josh Billings (1818 - 1885)
“In taking revenge, a man is but even with his enemy; but in passing it over, he is superior.” ~ Sir Francis Bacon (1561 - 1626)
“Live well. It is the greatest revenge.” ~ The Talmud
“You cannot change the facts of the past but you can change the meaning of the past.” ~
“Man must evolve for all human conflict a method which rejects revenge, aggression and retaliation. The foundation of such a method is love.” ~ Martin Luther King Jr. (1929 - 1968)
“There is no way to peace. Peace is the way.” ~ A.J. Muste
“Remorse cannot be coerced, it has to be discovered” ~ Leland R. Beaumont
“An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth and the whole world would soon be blind and toothless.” ~ Mahatma Gandhi
“Revenge is a dish best served cold.”
“Think through the consequences of your actions for the next seven generations.” ~ Native American wisdom

References

↑ Revenge, a story of hope

[1] Revenge, a story of hope

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